Disconnected, and scared.

I am so disconnected today.  I didn't even realize it..  I think I've been this way for a while.  I remember having anger issues last week.  My best guess is that not long after the anger went away, the disconnection took over. 

I need to fix this.  I will just get worse and worse if I don't reconnect. 

I'm not even sure why I've disconnected.  I just know I am. 

I've got a big birthday coming up in a month.  I'm turning 40.  I've known for a while this one will be tough.  I remember how tough 30 was.  This one is worse.  Loosing my brother last fall is just making it so much worse.  He was younger than I am. 

I also have issues with Hubby.  But I'm wondering if the issues are real, or if I'm nit picking.  Afraid of things going so well, so I try to sabotage them?  Maybe. 

I've gained weight.  Almost if not all that I lost in 2009.  I'm struggling with that fact.  I know how to fix it, but haven't done anything about it yet.  I don't really know why.

I have everything I need to get my fitness back on track.  In fact, until last Friday, I was on track again.  I was running 3 days/week, and going to the gym the other 3.  I ran 6 days the first week.  Then started the gym/run alternating the next week. 

I haven't gone to do either this week yet.  No real reason.  I just haven't.  I'm feeling worse for it. I'm feeling guilty for not going. 

I finally realized this afternoon just how disconnected I am.  I know it's a defense mechanism.  I don't know why.  I just know it is.  I guess it's time to focus on what I need to do to bring me back.  Get this fog out of my head.

Mindfulness.  Every day.  All the time.  But in the beginning, especially focusing on doing it throughout the day.  Countdowns.  5 things I see.  5 things I hear.  5 things I smell.  5 things I feel.  5 things I taste.  4 things I see....etc. 

Keep tracking everything I eat.  I need to be mindful of what I'm putting in my body.  And I need to focus on drinking water.  Maybe it's time to cut out all other drinks.  It's a shock to the system, but maybe that's what I need.