It was a rough day yesterday.
I went into Regina for a break. I also picked up lots of stuff I can't find out here. I got some Quinoa, Coconut milk (even some in chocolate), ground bison, lamb, and a live lobster. I needed to find some to add variety to my diet, and this will definitely help. At least for a few days.
I was so excited to bring the lobster back and cook it last night.
Lee was in a bad mood right from the get go. So needless to say, I didn't cook the lobster. It's still in the fridge. I'll cook it tonight.
He was off the deep end angry. He never said if it was because I went into Regina without him, so I won't put those words in his mouth. I know it was around the time I'm spending with Tammy.
When we went to get groceries, I told him what's going on with Tammy, and why I'm spending so much time out there. He was still mad, and even crowding me, so once he was settled into bed with the massage pillow, I told him I was going out to get Subway salad for supper. I picked one up and went to see Tammy.
I was mad, Lee was mad. I needed to get away.
When I got back, we finally talked. He admitted he is struggling with jealousy. He knows he's got no reason to be jealous, but he is. I told him I understand that, and I'll try to do what I can to alleviate it. The reality is though I'm feeling smothered right now. I need my space. I hate that I feel I have to take it.
I told Lee my "fight or flight" has been triggered, and I won't fight with him. So I run. I know it's a defense mechanism. I'm finally starting to see why it's been triggered again.
I'm scared. I am relying on Lee to take care of me, and I'm not sure I can handle that. Maybe I should apply for EI. I do have a job interview on Monday, but in the meantime, it can't hurt to have a backup with some kind of $$ coming in right? I do have a tax return coming - over $5,000. Plus if I'm not mistaken, I probably have some back CTC owing to me. That is if the government actually gives it to me. I'm not holding my breath waiting.
My daughter wants to move in with me soon too. That has me scared too. That means we will both be relying on Lee for some help until we both get on our feet. I'm also scared I'll blow this with her. I never thought I'd get another chance to get to know her again. This is huge. And I hate to admit it, but I'm afraid I'll blow it.
So I blog. I write out all my fears, and worries. Put them down on "paper". Try to make more sense of them while I work through them all.