I feel so lost today. I have a pretty good idea what it all is. I need to say good bye to some people who are toxic in my life. My head knows it. My heart also kind of knows it. But that doesn't make it any easier.
There was a time when I believed they were friends. When I believed they would be there when I needed someone.
They have proven they are not that. Drugs has too strong a hold on them.
It really hurts me to know such good people are lost to drugs like this. That there is nothing I can do. I tried before. It didn't go well. In their warped sense of thinking, I was responsible for some of the bad things going on in their lives. Let me tell you, you do not want to be the scape goat in this senario. It's downright dangerous.
It broke my heart when I had to walk away before. I am not as involved this time, but I can already feel it hurting.
The strange thing is, I know most of this emotional turmoil is due to other things - namely this cleansing diet I'm on. I've lost 10lbs already, and am still loosing way too fast. Part of my weight loss journey is dealing with the emotional issues that helped pack those pounds on. It's almost like the fat has an emotional memory. When it's accessed again, and burned off, the emotions come out of it.
I know this all sounds kind of crazy, but if you've ever undergone significant weight loss, you might have an idea what I'm talking about. It's a very emotional process. You have to come to terms with the issues that packed that weight on. For some reason, it all seems so much more overwhelming as it's coming off. I really have no idea why.
In general, I feel better. I feel stronger. I have more coping skills. All due to the fitness that is happening when I'm loosing the weight.
Maybe that's it. I believe you are only dealt what you can handle. Maybe my stronger coping skills are allowing these issues to surface again. I am strong enough to deal with this baggage that had to be buried earlier on.
I hate this feeling. I feel so foggy. So lost. So hurt.
Despite all of this, I know I can get though it. I will do all I can to fight it off. I'll do my best to not text or contact Terry or Tammy today.
Even as I write this I feel so selfish, especially when it comes to Tammy. She's having a tough time right now. I wish I could be there for her, but it feels like she's pushing me away.
I couldn't do it. I sent her a message. Let her know I'm here if she wants to talk. Even just to come out and visit. I hate to see her going through this crap. And realistically, I need some support too. I feel so vulnerable right now.
I miss having my friend to talk to. To rely on. To bounce things off of.
As for Terry, I don't need that in my life at all.
I still don't know what happened with him last year. I have no idea how I let my guard down and let him in so fast. Or how I fell so hard for him so fast. I guess I was just much more lonely than I wanted to believe. I didn't even feel safe. But when I was with him, I believed he wouldn't let anything happen to me. I felt safe. I was able to sleep again. Add the fact that he seemed to need me too, and wow.
But why is it still there now? After the way he treated me? I've moved on. Or at least I thought I have. I love Lee. He's the best man I've met in a very very long time. Every day he makes me feel like I'm the only one. He spoils me rotten. I couldn't ask for more.
So what's going on with me?