Thursday, October 11, 2012

Farewell Matthew



www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzlJug5ad3Y&
feature=youtu.be


I am still not doing very well. I had to take a couple of more days off of work. The headaches were getting to be too much. These are the kinds of headaches that pills don't help.

So instead of struggling and driving everyone at work crazy, I'm working from home for the next couple of days. And if I don't get any work done, I guess I'm taking a few days off. I'm so lucky. I talked to my supervisor. They said to take as long as I need. I'll be honest with them as to any work I get done, and we'll go from there.

The above link is to a video my son put together. My youngest brother wanted it done for our brother, but couldn't do it. Neither could I. So I handed the music and pics to my son, and he did this. It's a fantastic job.

I'm so proud of that boy. He showed everyone what a caring man he's become. He took care of his grandma. He took care of me. He felt so honored to be asked to help carry his favorite uncle and godfather to his resting place. He went out and rented a very tasteful suit for the occassion, since he doesn't own one.

Today I'm thinking I'm not going to just sit here and wait for things to come my way anymore. I'm going to start fighting back. Not sure when, but soon. I know. It sounds like a cop out. But I'm still so overwhelmed and in so much pain.

I'm going to do my best to get out today. At least walk, if not run. Fresh air. Sunshine. Physical activity. I'm hoping it starts the ball rolling on recovery.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

RIP Matthew Donavon

On Friday September 28, 2012 my brother Matthew Donovan Passed away at the age of 37.  

 He simply went to sleep.  Sometime in the night, his grandmother came to help him find his way home to God.  

He struggled with illness for many years.  Through it all, he never lost his faith.  He would often tell people god wouldn't let anything bad happen to him, no matter how bad it got.

During his struggles, he seemed to loose that mischevious smile and twinkle in his eyes.  I am sure they are back now, and can't wait for the day I get to see them again for myself.

He never married, or had children, but loved family more than anything.  He adored his two godsons, Ryan and Matthew.













Those of us left behind to grieve cry for us, but take comfort in the knowledge that he is no longer struggling with illness, and is with Grandma, Dad, and many other family members that we have lost in his short lifetime.  

I'll see you when I see you

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Today, and a few revelations

I am feeling so yucky again this morning.

I woke up yesterday and wasn't feeling good right from the beginning. I ended up taking an antihistamine to help with these allergies I can't seem to shake. It really did help. But then I spent all day exhausted. Not sure why. Just felt like I didn't get any sleep at all the night before.

This morning I'm feeling drained, dry, and generally not good. I get the dry. I messed up yesterday. I didn't drink enough water. So that's the solution to that one.

I have been realizing a few things over this past week.

1. My motivation is waining again. I get a little away from my computer, and my motivation starts to wash away. I know I'm struggling to deal with some changes. The biggest is my new job. I am going through training. It's a new system. I'm good with computers, but there is always a learning curve with new systems. I am still organizing my notes, learning all the steps from start to finish with the time tickets, and trying to learn what to do when things go wrong.

I know it sounds like I'm complaining about all of the above, but I'm really not. I love the new challenge. The only issue is how mentally draining it is right now. It's actually draining so much of my energy, it's surprising me.

Top it all off, I'm trying to maintain my cleansing diet, which means planning ahead. I need to have all my food for the next day decided on well before the stores close, so I can go get whatever I need. Ideally I will have it put together before bed that night.

Actually, forget ideally. It's a necessity if I'm going to be able to get my fitness in before work in the morning.

2. This is the biggest one. It has to do with my cleansing diet, eating well, all of it. I've discovered something. I'm an instant gratification kind of person. It's having an effect on everything. When I get hungry, I want something tasty right now. Unfortunately I can't just run out to the store and pick something up.

I don't know why this is still affecting me like this. I've had to deal with being gluten free for about 3 years now. I guess the biggest thing is I learned how to cheat a little. I found the junk you can eat and still avoid gluten.

Now those are gone. I am finding I need to avoid sugar too. Well, that's a whole other layer to this issue. Even the delicious snacks that are gluten free are now mostly off limits.

If I want pasta with prego and cheese, I've gotta get the GF pasta, and make my own prego.

I am learning to cope. I have learned how to can. I have a tonne of canned fruit, ready to toss into a pie crust or under a fruit crumble crust and bake. Or even just to snack on. Today I'm making another batch of my tomato sauce so I have it on hand and ready to go when I want some.

But I'm still struggling with making sure I have enough things I want to eat on hand so I avoid getting actually hungry. Friday I planned ahead quite well. Then I over ate on the potato salad and have been paying for it ever since. Let's just say I've had digestive issues all day yesterday.

I'm feeling so overwhelmed today. There is so much to do, and I'm feeling like I just won't be able to get to it all. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I've canned tomato sauce before. Yes, it takes a lot of time start to finish - my recipe has to cook for almost 5 hours, not including prep time, canning, etc. Once it's on the stove simmering, It's all about the timers. That's all. I can do it. I know I can. Then once it's simmering, I can do some of the other things that are on my plate for the day, including helping Lee with the new bed frame.

Top all that off with the fact that I'm finally starting to plan for my retirement. I feel a little overwhelmed by that too. I've let it go too long. I'm feeling like I just won't be able to do it. I'm worried I'll be working until the day I die.

Anyhow, I've got a lot on my mind. I need to go for a run to help deal with some of this stress. The problem is I'm not feeling well enough to get out there and run.

I would say I have no idea what's wrong with me, but if I just relax and think about it, I know what's going on. I've got too much stress in my head right now. The retirement planning, trying to get back on track with my weight loss, the lack of fitness/running for most of this past month, canning tomatoes today, the new bed frame, ... The list goes on and on.

As for the fitness or lack there of over the past month. I can't change what's past. I can only change from here forward. So I need to put that out of my mind until it's time to kick my butt out the door and go for a run. It's that simple.

Retirement planning? I've got a basic plan in place already. I just need to take the 10% off my first cheque and put it away. I'm leaning towards a GIC, but I still have a week to decide.

Tomatoes? I've been canning for weeks. Why is this batch overwhelming me? I just don't get it. I'm thinking it's other stuff going on in the background.

As for the bed frame, etc, that's Lee mostly. He just needs me to help with a few things - moving mattresses, etc. He's doing most of the work, and all of the planning for it. So as far as I'm concerned, no problems there.

Ahhh. That's a little better. Now I need to figure out what I want for breakfast.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Yesterday was a great day. We went to Crosby ND for the Thresherman's Day's celebration. They had a parade. We figured small town, maybe 20minues or so. Wrong. It was mainly a parade of the old farm equipment. We're talking really REALLY old. Like the first tractors that were out there. And they just kept starting them up and parading down the route. 2 hours worth of tractors. Wow. It was amazing.

I forgot my camera. Believe me, I won't do that again.

We all got a little too much sun, and ended up coming home right after and resting. No one is red today, but we sure were yesterday.

This morning, I got up and got out the door for my run. I'm sitting out on the deck cooling off. Lee is steam cleaning the carpet in the livingroom. As soon as he's done, I'm going to bath and we are going to go for brunch. It's been months since we did that. I'm sure hoping it's not a complete let down again.

Other than that, I think I've got lots to do inside today. Reorganization of stuff. Laundry. And generally getting ready for my first day at work tomorrow. I can't wait.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Blackberry and Raspberry Dessert Toppings - recipe links and pictures

I found a great deal at the co-op tonight, and cooked up a big batch of each of these. The recipes can be found at:

Blackberry Dessert Topping
recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detai
l.asp?recipe=2179661&ff=1


Raspberry Dessert Topping
recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detai
l.asp?recipe=2179668&ff=1


The Blackberries made up 4.7 - 500ml jars, and the raspberries made up 4 - 500ml jars. The blackberry sauce is so nice, but the raspberry sauce is a little too sweet. I didn't want to add molasses to it, as it will make it so dark, but maybe I should have.

Anyhow, just thought I'd share the recipes. I was just in the kitchen tossing them together, and they came out great.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

I'm a little concerned tonight. I haven't been able to go running in the last two days - pulled muscles in my legs - and tonight I just can't stand this town. This isn't good.

Lee got home from work too tired to do anything tonight. I'm beyond sick of staying in. I'm even willing to go out for supper alone if I have to, but I don't even know where to go. The so called steaks in town suck - I'd rather chew on my shoe. I don't need the calories from a gluten free pizza. Heck, I don't need the expense either.

So what am I gonna do? Sitting here is just pissing me off. Don't know where to go or what to do. Maybe it's time for me to just give in n go running tonight. It's still do brutally hot though. I just don't know what to do, but this isn't working.

I know. I need to eat. No garbage. Actual food. I haven't eaten today. Well, I had breakfast. Then I munched on raisin bread and popcorn. Funny how my mind goes wonky when I don't eat right. But what am I gonna eat?

*********UPDATE************

Lee came outside to see what was wrong with me not long after I posted that.  I told him I was having stress issues.  Mostly from not eating well today.  And the heat.  He suggested we go get groceries.  We needed to anyway.

It was a nice short trip.  On the way home we picked up iced coffees.  I know.  I've been on this cleanse for so long now.  Well, I only got in 4-5 mouthfuls and I got dizzy.  The room was spinning, and I felt nauseated.  So much for being able to enjoy that treat.

I guess that sugar cleanse really had some major effects on me after all.  wow.  

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Yesterday I did the drug/alcohol/fitness testing for my new job. I knew it wouldn't be a problem. My one leg has a sore muscle today - some of the stuff they are doing really didn't make any sense. Anyhow, it's done. They told me it will take about 2-3 hours to get the information back to my employer. Since it took so long yesterday, I'm assuming they'll know by noon today. It took so long because I am drinking so much water. I had to wait 2 hours for the water to flush out of my system.

Anyhow, I'm expecting a call today with a start date fairly soon.

Other than that, I lost another pound. It was down yesterday, and still down this morning. So I recorded it today. I'm down to 225lbs. It's not showing up on my feed, so I contacted tech support to find out why. Hopefully they can fix that.

Even though my leg is a little sore, I am still considering a run this morning. I'm trying to decide if it'll help or hurt. I don't do hurt. Mind you, I can always try. If it hurts, stop. If not, I can keep going.

Maybe that's what I'll do. Seeing as once I start my new job, I won't have the opportunity to go after waking up, relaxing, eating, and taking some me time.

That's another thing. I'll have to figure out how to do this. How to get my fitness in with the new work hours. I'm kind of leaning towards a lunch time run, but the heat, and no shower available ....

I have also discovered something else about me in the last few days. I have another mountain to climb. Not just weight loss. Financial. I HATE being stuck where I am now. No money. No savings. No credit. I need to fix this. I need to sit down and define exactly what I want in the end. Then a plan to get there.

So that's my day I guess. Running. Then looking at my financial mountain I should start to climb. I should also clean the kitchen. It's still a bit of a mess from making the cherry pie last night.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Home Made Gluten Free Cherry Pie - with Pics and recipes

Tried my hand at making a home made cherry pie. I pitted the fresh cherries myself. Used Brown Rice syrup instead sugar. And a Gluten Free Pie crust. I hope the crust holds up when I try to serve it. Gluten free flours are so difficult to work with.

But it sure looks good.



Gluten-Free Pie and Tart Crust Recipe for Sweet or Savory Fillings

This buttery, tender gluten-free pie crust is akin to shortbread. It can be used for all types of pies or for savory tart and quiche fillings. A tart pan with a removable bottom makes shaping the pie crust and cutting pies much easier.

Prep Time: 20 minutes Total Time: 20 minutes

Ingredients:
• 1 cup superfine brown rice flour (see tips)
• 1/2 cup arrowroot starch OR cornstarch
• 1/4 cup amaranth flour
• 1/4 cup white rice flour
• 1 tablespoon cane sugar (OMIT sugar if making a savory filling) I left this out
• 1/4 teaspoon xanthan gum OR guar gum
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 tablespoon ice water
• 1 large, lightly beaten egg
• 12 tablespoons cold, cubed butter
• Correction - 12 tablespoons of butter equal 1 and 1/2 sticks of butter OR 3/4 cup of butter

Preparation:
Food Processor Method:
1. Measure dry ingredients into a large mixing bowl. Use a large whisk to thoroughly blend ingredients.
2. Pour the dry ingredients into a food processor bowl, fitted with a metal blade.
3. Add the cold butter cubes and pulse until the butter cubes are reduced to the size of peas and the mixture looks like coarse, dry crumbs.
4. Add the lightly beaten egg and pulse just until egg is incorporated into the flour-butter mix.
5. Add 1 tablespoon of ice water and pulse several times. Remove the processor lid and squeeze a small amount of the dough in your hand. If it holds together don't add more water. If the dough is too crumbly and dry, add 1/4 teaspoon additional ice water and pulse several more times. Check the consistency of the dough again. If the dough holds together and you can form a ball don't add more water. Adding too much water will make the dough sticky and harder to roll out and shape.
6. Scrape the dough, which will look crumbly, on a clean, gluten free work surface covered with waxed paper. Gather the crumbly dough into a ball. Flatten to a large disk shape. Wrap in waxed paper and refrigerate for at least one hour before rolling out the dough. At this stage, the dough can be frozen. Place wax paper wrapped dough in a freezer bag, label and freeze for future use.
7. To Roll Dough: Remove dough from refrigerator and place dough between two sheets of waxed paper. Let dough sit just until it's soft enough to roll. When workable, roll lighlty from the center outward, working to make a circle about 10-inches in diameter and about 1/8-inch thick. If the dough should get too warm and sticky, place it in the freezer for several minutes and then continue rolling it.
8. Peel top sheet of wax paper from the dough and carefully flip the dough, on the remaining sheet of waxed paper, over pie plate. Gently peel the waxed paper from the dough.
9. Gently press the dough into the pie plate.
10. Trim edges with knife and crimp edge with a fork or using your favorite method.
11. Pie crust is ready to fill or parbake (partially bake) as desired.
12. To parbake the crust, preheat oven to 350 degrees. Use a fork to pierce the crust- this will prevent the crust from bubbling up while baking. Or, line the dough with parchment paper and fill the plate with dry beans or pie weights. Bake the crust for about 15 minutes, or until lightly golden.


Tips:

Superfine brown rice flour is powdery, unlike some brown rice flours which are more coarsely ground and gritty. If you can't find superfine brown rice flour, try grinding regular brown rice flour in a coffee bean grinder just until it is a finer consistency.

Roll out leftover dough scraps, butter and sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar for an old-fashioned treat.

Yield: 1- 10" pie crust with leftover dough for cinnamon sugar strips or 2- 8" pie crusts.


Cherry Pie Filling
Prep Time: 25 Minutes
Cook Time: 15 Minutes Ready In: 40 Minutes
Servings: 6

"When sour cherries are in season, why not whip up your own fresh cherry pie filling? It's easy and takes just 3 ingredients."

INGREDIENTS:
4 cups pitted tart red cherries
1 cup brown rice syrup
1/4 cup cornstarch

DIRECTIONS:
1. Place cherries into a saucepan over medium heat, and cover the pan; heat cherries until they release their juice and come to a simmer, 10 to 15 minutes. Stir often.
2. In a bowl, whisk the sugar with cornstarch until smooth; pour the mixture into the hot cherries and juice, and thoroughly combine. Return to low heat, bring to a simmer, and cook until the filling has thickened, about 2 minutes; remove from heat, let cool, and use as pie filling.
It's been a pretty uneventful weekend.  Lee had to work overtime both Saturday and Sunday, so I was left to my own devices.  Adrienne was working too, so it was just me.  Saturday seemed to be a go go go day.  Just lots of little running around things to do.  Sunday I was busy canning.


I made lots of  stuff yesterday.  Four more jars of tomato sauce, and four jars of a cherry dessert topping.  You have no IDEA how long it took me to pit all those cherries.  I had 5lbs plus 5 cups of cherries when all was said and done.  After the almost 2 hours of pitting cherries, I thought I'd likely never do that again.  But then I tasted some of it.  YUMMY!  It was so worth the effort. 

Oh, the 5 cups of cherries?  I made a second smaller batch.  It was cherry pie filling.  Later today I'm going to try my hand at making a gluten free pie crust, and make a home made cherry pie too.  I'll be sure to post a picture of it when I'm done - success or failure. 

So yeah, yesterday was a full day in the kitchen again.  The tomato sauce cooks for 4 hours, that doesn't include the chopping, blanching tomatoes, cooking up the onions, etc.  Just a full 4 hours after all is mixed and it's come to a boil.  So I'd say between 5 and 6 hours.  Then canning takes time too.

So I try to make two big pots every time I do this.  It takes so long that I want to make it worth my while to do it.

Later this week, I'll be going to the u-pick farms to get some more fruit and berries.  I mostly want to make dessert topping's.  I don't eat much jam, so there's no use doing that for now.  Lee wants to come berry picking with me, so I guess I'll be waiting for a weekend day off.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Yesterday was a great day.  No, I didn't get my manicure/pedicure done.  Instead, my daughter and I went to Regina for a day trip.  Shopping.  We got my niece and two nephews some gifts.  My niece will be 1, and my younger nephew will be 2.  The party is on July 22 for both of them.  I got them mostly clothes.  Mom and dad are on a very limited income, and the kids have plenty of toys.  I did get them each a little toy to go in the gift bag.  I also got some for my older nephew too.  They never get a chance to get into the larger cities and pick up osh kosh for the kids, so I got them all something from there.  Good thing it was on sale.  Two pairs of jeans, two hoodies, a denim jumper skirt, 10 snap up undershirts, and three t-shirts all came to about $90.

I called my mom to make sure I got the right sizes.  My niece is a tiny peanut, only in size 12-18months.  My younger nephew (the 2 year old) is already in size 4.   His older brother is in 5-6 so I got him size 6.  I got the two boys carpenter jeans.  They have been helping their dad with renovations to the farmhouse, so I figured why not.

My daughter was looking for art supplies, so we took a chance on a craft store I remembered from years ago.  Luckily, it was still there, and they had a great art section.  She got all sorts of stuff.  And now she knows what the prices are, so if we go into town when she's working, she can let us know what she wants us to pick up.  The canvases there are about 1/3 the price she's ever been able to find them at in Calgary, so she's really happy about that.

So all in all it was a great day.  Nice drive.  A chance for us to visit.  She got some supplies.  I got the kids gifts done.  I got a couple of skirts.  It was a good day.

Today I went running.  I finished my training day strong.  Really pushed myself.  Now I'm feeling great.

Lee on the other hand is not.  He is so hung over.  He can't get up off the couch.  He was drunk before we got home.  I think he drove his truck home like that.  He told me he didn't.  That he came home and started drinking.

The sad part is I know he's lying to me.  I know he was drinking earlier.  I know he'd had too much to drive home.  I am sick n tired of that server allowing him to drive home like that.  What the HELL is wrong with her?  This is the same lady who's son has behavioral issues linked to food allergies.  So what does she do?  She brings him home a treat - McDonalds.  THE KID IS ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING IN THEIR MENU.  WHEAT AND SUGAR BEING THE TWO MAIN THINGS SHES FEEDING HIM.  And then she has the nerve to try to buddy up to me to complain about how hard it is on her and her son and she can't deal with it and it's only a few treats, and and and.

GIVE ME A BREAK.  YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT KIDS HEALTH.  YES IT'S HARD TO CHANGE, BUT IS HE NOT WORTH IT???

Mind you, I guess it's none of my business.  It's her life.  Her kid.  I'm walking away. She'd just better never ask me for advice/help on the subject again.  Or complain about it to me ever again.  I've got better ways to waste my time.  Like bitching in my blog about how much it all pisses me off ;)

Time to get my day started.  I was going to wait for Lee, but it's looking like he's not going to get moving anytime soon.  I've gotta get to Sasktel and look into changing my cell phone over.  I need to look into a cell phone booster - I think they are on sale.  All stuff to get ready to start my new job soon.  I go for pre-employment testing on Monday.  I'm not worried about that.  I'm fit, I don't drink, and I've never done drugs.  So it's all good.

Hope you all have a great day, who ever is reading this.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

I'm just sitting here this morning relaxing.  I am waiting on a phone call for a job, so I'm not going to go out running just yet. 

I was sitting on the couch, drinking a large (1.5L) bottle of water.  Enjoying it actually.  Legs stretched out.  I realized I really like how my legs are starting to look again.  Long.  Tan.  Starting to get toned again. 

I need a pedicure.  Heck, I need a manicure too.  Good thing I can do both at home.  Maybe that's what I'll do today. 

I am feeling at peace with myself for the first time in a long time.  Happy.  And generally liking what I see.  I still have some weight to loose - up to 30lbs more, but I'm starting to like what I see again. 

I know I'm working hard for my results, and they are starting to show. 

I'm thinking today might be a day to pamper me.  I might go running later, but only to get out and get moving.  Enjoy the sunshine.  No training today.  Just really connect with my thoughts, feelings, and the world around me. 

I guess I should call in about that job offer.  It's now almost 11am and I haven't heard.  It'll be nice to know exactly what's being offered. 

I think I'm ready to tackle today.  I need to make the phone call.  Then I'm going to spend today just pampering myself. 
For the past few day's Lee's been much better. I wasn't able to put my finger on why he seemed so controlling, but I think I've got it figured out.

MONEY

He was on the verge of being laid off for weeks now. He know's I'm out of work. And my daughter is here now.

Well, on Monday he talked to his boss. He does not want to travel for work, so that is out. So his boss agreed to keep him "working" on a casual basis. As little jobs come up in town, Lee would take care of them. That way he could do the bathroom renovations, and still have some income coming in.

Well, yesterday he got even better news. He'll be working full time at a drag line just outside of town. It's FT work until November.

And suddenly he's in a much better mood. No more controlling issues. Wow. I don't know why it took me so long to see it, but I sure am glad I do now.

So the next time this controlling thing rears it's ugly head, I will come right out and tell him. I get that there is $$ stress, but trying to control my every move like this is only going to drive me away. Talk to me about the real issue. I'll let him know how close he came to loosing me this last time he pulled this kind of behavior on me too. He needs to understand I'm not kidding when I say it will drive me away.

So that's that. Now to find out about my job offer, and look into a new cell phone plan.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Yesterday Lee kept coming home.  Different reasons.  I think he just wanted to see me and see if he could break the ice again.

I'm sorry to say we didn't talk.  I just don't know how to find the right words yet.  But I'm tired of all of this.

We went out for supper last night.  It was nice.  We talked a little.  I never did tell him I got a phone call for a job offer yesterday.  Mostly because I need to call back to get the offer.

But even though we haven't talked about the elephant in the room, I was thinking about it.

I think the next time this comes up, I won't just make a passing comment and walk away.  It will be time to confront the issue.  I just have to find the right words.  Accusations and attacking him won't help anyone.  I need to remember to use "I" words.  "I feel..."  "When you do... I get...." "This is affecting me ...."

That's the hardest part for me right now.  I just want to lash out at him.  I'm on the defensive, do my knee jerk reaction is to go on the offensive.  I can't do that.  Not if we are going to have a productive discussion about it.

Or maybe I can tell him just how I'm feeling, but tell him I'm not in any state to discuss it right now.  I'm too angry and upset to be productive in discussing it and don't want it to escalate into a fight.  At least he'll know just how much it upsets me, and the door will be open to talk about it later when I cool down.

Anyhow, I have more pressing issues to deal with this morning.  My run.  Phoning about that job offer.  Getting my daughter to work for 9am.  Making sure I have snack items.  I've gotta pick up some water and some milk later today.  Sounds like I've got a few things to take care of.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Last night I wasn't home to meet Lee after work. I went fishing instead.  Left him a note, and after I dropped my daughter off at work, I was gone.  I came back around 8pm.  I didn't catch anything worth bringing home.  Oh well.  Next time.

He couldn't seem to figure out why I refused to come into the living room and sit and watch tv, but he never asked about it.  

He seemed upset.  Told me it was a headache and he was tired, so I told him to just go to bed.  I wouldn't be joining him for a long while yet.  Nothing was said about it. 

Not long after I picked my daughter up from work, I went to bed too. 

I can't keep doing this.  It's making him physically sick.  I'm frustrated too.  I really need to find a way out.  Fast. 

I think I might have found a place to store all my stuff from the garage.  Colin has offered a trailer for me to store it all in.  I think I'll take him up on it.  At least for a while.  Maybe if I start to clear my stuff out of here, Lee will get the message that I am not stuck here.  That I'm choosing to be here.  And I can just as easily choose to not be here too.

I wish I could find the words to talk to him about this.  I just can't seem to do that.

On to brighter stuff.  Last night I made a chocolate syrup for my milk.  I tasted it, and it was okay, but I think I'm going to add more cocoa to it.  The plan is to make some that I can add to my milk after my running.  I miss chocolate milk, but with the no dairy/no sugar restrictions, it's been out for a while now.  So I made some myself.  Unsweetened cocoa, and Brown Rice Syrup.  I used a little hot water to help dissolve everything.  It was okay, but I'm thinking more cocoa and now that it's cooled down...

So the plan for today is:
- Keep looking for work
- Go running earlier this time - it'll be cooler out
- eat 6x today again and record every bite
- lots of water (of course)

I have a Julian Michaels Yoga DVD.  I think I'll try to give that a go too.  I'm not sure why, but I tend to just not do videos anymore. 

Oh, I almost forgot.  My set of 3 routine too.  I want to get through it all at least once. 

So I guess I've got a busy day ahead of me.  Might as well start it now. 

Monday, July 9, 2012

I'm sitting out on the front deck. In the hammock chair. Enjoying the company if the dogs. So many bushes & trees around no one can see me here. It's heaven. Too bad it won't last.

I've already started to look for another place to live. I'm still holding out hope that I'll get a job offer today on that interview from last Thursday, but seeing as its almost 2:30pm, I'm kinda doubting it. :"(

I've applied for a couple other positions today. Here's hoping I get a call back soon. I can't take this anymore.

It's so beautiful out here today, so I'm trying to not let this get me down. Sure is hard though.

I keep finding myself playing sudoku out here. I've realized it for about 20minutes now. I turned it off and did a check in. No wonder. I don't want to be present in this moment. It hurts. I really am sad and worried about everything right now.

So I spent 10 minutes just being mindful. As much as I hate to hurt, I need to do that more often. If I don't, depression will win again, and I refuse to let that happen.

Trucks going by. Birds chirping. Smell the wet, heavy air. Feel the warmth of this nice hot day. And feel the heavy heart in my chest :"(

Feel my thoughts begin to race. I just want to escape, any way I can. I really don't like being in this place. It's not a comfortable place to be. So much anxiety. So much wanting to escape it. So not nice.

But sometimes I have to check in & see how I'm doing. I need to listen before my body screams at me. So I'm trying my best.

I think I'll go fishing tonight. Right after I drop my daughter off at work (5pm). It'll get me out of town. Away from lee and his controlling ways. Just out with nature.
Last night was the final straw.  I can't take this anymore. 

Yesterday, I was focusing on eating 6x/day to try and break this plateau I've been stuck on for weeks.  I did it on Saturday too, and overall I was starting to feel a little better, so I was going to keep it up to see if I'd get the results I wanted.

Well, when I was putting my lunch together, Lee made a comment along the lines of he couldn't believe I was eating again.  It floored me.  I ate breakfast at about 8am.  One nectarine a little later.  And now I was getting a grilled chicken breast and some asparagus for lunch at noon.  It's not like I was pigging out every 2-3 hours.  I was eating sensible meals and snacks. 

This time instead of ignoring him and letting it slide, I just said wow.  Looked right at him in disbelief, then turned my back, rolled my eyes and said wow. 

His response?  "Don't take it like that honey"  DON'T TAKE IT LIKE THAT??? Just how am I supposed to take it?  I mean really!!! 

So I continued to get my lunch, walked outside onto the front deck and ate it.  As soon as I was done, I got up and left.  No telling him where I was going, no nothing.  Just left. 

A couple hours later I came back.  I had some almond milk to put in the fridge, so I came back.  I made some flavored popcorn for my afternoon snack.  I am trying to flavor my own popcorn, so there are no additives I can't have in it.  I made Lee a bowl too.  It didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped, but it's a learning process.  Funny how he didn't have any comment about this snack....

Yes, I've got a chip on my shoulder.  And it's getting bigger.

Later in the evening, I had to run out to rescue a friend who was stranded.  Their motorcycle quit and they were 40K out of town.  So I went.  When I got back, Lee was up.  He looked tired, but he was still up.  So we sat and watched tv.  15minutes later he got up and went to bed, so I just put my feet up to watch the next show.

5 minutes later he comes down and asks me what's wrong.  I told him nothing.  I was just unwinding from the rescue and would watch this show and come to bed. That was all.  Well, he got pissy.  Started talking about needing to turn off lights, and the light from the tv was too bright.  Who was he kidding.  I know how it works.  He can't see the light from the tv up in bed.  Heck, he can barely hear it when I watch downstairs and the fans are on. 

I lost it.  I turned his precious tv off, and walked out.  I walked to 7-eleven for a tea.  I walked to get rid of my anger.  I walked to try and figure this all out. 

I can't keep ignoring his controlling ways.  They are getting worse and worse.  I don't want to be here anymore because of them.  I decided last night that today I need to find work.  If I don't get the job offer I'm waiting on, I'm going to just go out and find anything.  Absolutely anything.  And I'm going to start to look for places to live.  I've had enough of this crap. 

He doesn't want me in his life.  He wants a clone of Christine in his life.  I never agreed to that.  I get that having my daughter move in has added stress, but she's completely independent.  She's working two jobs.  What's the problem there?  I get that Lee's going to be laid off soon.  Again, he knows there is going to be work again soon for him.  I don't get the issue.  He wants the time to renovate the bathroom, so again, what's the problem there?  I won't be out of work forever.  I told him if push comes to shove, I'll take anything.  Well, in my mind, it has.  I need to take anything and stop relying on him for anything.  It's time to go. 

Such a shame.  I really do love the guy.  I just can't take his controlling ways. 

Last night I was downright scared.  I moved all sorts of my stuff here from Calgary.  I can't just pack up my van and go.  That and my daughter is here now.  If she weren't here, I wouldn't have come back last night.  I'm feeling a little trapped right now.  I need to find a way out, and fast. 

Saturday, July 7, 2012

I think I could be in a little trouble right now.  I am still hung up on Lee being so controlling.  He has no idea why I'm pulling back.  In fact, I think he's getting tired of it.  But what does he expect?  I do not do well with someone trying to control where I go, what I do, when I do it...

I am my own person.  I know he wants to share my life.  I'm okay with that.  But whenever I share with him about someone in my life, he acts like it's unfair to him.  I don't get it.  I have friends.  Yes, I have more male friends than female.  I have for years.  I find many women far too catty and fake for me.  I want to talk to someone, I want to talk to a real person.  Not someone who will feed the rumor mill.

I am sick of feeling like I have to explain where I met every person I talk to in town.  Face it.  I know some people.  Get over it.

And I'm sick of him making catty remarks about some of my friends.  Yes, I have bikers in my group of friends.  It happens when you ride a motorcycle.  Get over yourself.  Just because people ride a motorcycle, it doesn't make them a bad person.

I am gearing up to get my motorcycle fixed asap.  That way I can start riding again.  Its more about freedom than anything else.  Okay, I'll admit it.  I want to see how Lee reacts to it too.  If he gets mad, I'm gone.  He needs to understand and accept that I am my own person.  I have my own interests.  And I'm not going to give them all up because he's in my life.

I am not one who deals well with someone trying to control my every move.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't figure this out

Got on the scale again today. 230lbs. WTF!!!

It was down to 227 yesterday.

I've been running/exercising all week long. I know I had one easy day, and I know I took one day off about a week ago. It's coming time to take a day off from fitness again soo.

I'm not slacking on my fitness. I am pushing, knowing that's what will get me results on the scale.

My avg hr is right around 142 each time I workout. I could see if my avg was dropping, that I'd need to step my fitness up.

So what is it? I thought for the longest time it was a bit of starvation mode going on. I was not eating nearly enough. That's not so for this past week. I've been much closer to 1500 calories/day, with one day I went way over.

I have had calorie deficits of over 1000/day. Some days it's closer to 2000. It is most often around 1500/day.

So what gives?

I hit this last year too. I finally just gave up. I don't want to do that this time.

I need some suggestions to break this plateau.

Just in case you are not aware, I am on a strict cleansing diet - being tested for food allergies. No gluten, dairy, beef, eggs, sugar, bananas, strawberries, coffee. I am trying to deal with my nutrition as best I can. I tried to calorie cycle this week. It didn't seem to help. Not to say I won't try again though.

I am exercising 6/7 days/week. I take one day where I don't exercise. It gives my body a chance to recover, and gives me a break. I've been running the C25K program, and every other day I try to do this:



So far, I'm only able to make it 75% of the way through one set. I'm going to keep on working on it until I can do all 3 sets.

Any other suggestions?

**********UPDATE*************

While I was offline, I was thinking. I'm often hungry through the day. It's because of a few things. First, this cleansing diet. Second, being out of work, I'm at Lee's mercy for freggies. He's almost refusing to buy them. Well, I have to do something about that. I can't just not eat anymore.

I have some $$ today, so I'm going to do what I can to start eating more snacks. I want to eat 6x/day, and not all big meals. I need to add the three snacks.

So the plan is today to eat about every 3 hours. So far so good. I had a good breakfast. For snack, I had a plum and a big bottle of water. I'm looking ahead to lunch. I have a couple of bison burgers - I can have one. Or I can get stuff to make a salad. Maybe I'll have one bison burger, and some salad. Then more salad for my afternoon snack. That will set me up for a good supper.

It's going to take some doing, but I'm going to figure this out. At least I hope so... 

Friday, July 6, 2012

Today was a rough day.  I am a little upset. 

I was very angry this morning.  I'm not 100% sure why. 

Lee got me up before 5 again.  He was horney, and we had sex.  I usually don't in the morning, but I didn't mind today.  It was nice actually. 

But then I couldn't get back to sleep.  Well, maybe I did, but it wasn't restful.  I remember Terry/Tammy dreams.  I don't remember much about them.  I made a point of forcing them out of my thoughts as soon as I got up.  The last thing I want is to start to stew about all of that crap again.  I just remember they were prevalent in my dreams this morning.  Mostly that I was hurt.  Hurt that Terry seems to really care, but the hold drugs has on him is so strong.  Hurt that he doesn't feel he can turn to me, or be honest with me about all of it. 

Well, I finally got up, and was dropping everything.  I couldn't seem to do anything right, and it was making me angrier and angrier.  I just couldn't seem to do anything right today.

I finally got dressed and went running.  I figured it was my best bet at not blowing up. 

I spent the entire time stewing.  It took so much energy, but I still made it through my run. 

In the long run, it helped, but not right away. 

I was feeling better, then Lee took an attitude and pissed me off.  We had supper on the go.  I was making the french fries.  He at first told me we had to hurry up and get the fries going, as it was going to take 3 loads to get them all done.  So I heated the oil and started the fries.  Then he's upset because the fries are going to be done so fast...  MAKE UP YOUR FRIGGIN MIND!!!  Anyhow, I told him that.  What did he want?  He told me I had to hurry with them, so I did.  Now he's not happy that I hurried????

Then when this is all done, I came into the living room to check my email.  He decides to tell me to get off  "that damn thing" and deal with the fries.  I told him I had the timer with me, and when the 6 minutes were up, I had every intention of dealing with the fries.

I just lost my temper with him.  He's such a control freak.  I just can't seem to deal with it anymore.  I have been in denial about his control issues, but I can't deny it anymore. 

I am just about ready to tell him I'm not Christine, and I will never be her.  No one will.  It's just making me so mad. 

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Wow.  Yesterday was a rough day.  But I'm glad to say it's already getting better. 

I had a nap yesterday afternoon, and woke up already feeling a little more free from all that crap I blogged out.  Of course, as often happens, some of the weight came back as time went by. 

I am glad to say I never did send either of them a text, and I think my good-by blog helped me be okay with that. 

I am going to be kicking my butt out the door soon for today's run.  I think it'll go much better than yesterday.  I am also going to pick up my challenge of 3 sets of... again when I get home.  I am still working towards being able to do one full set without a break. 

Today I really need to keep my thoughts turned to the positive.  I need to focus on upbeat positive things.  I have an interview at 2pm.  I'm not 100% sure this is what I want to do, but I need to change that.  I am going to go in and give it my best. 

The thing is, I don't really remember how to turn my thoughts to the positive.  It's been so long since I've had to struggle with that.  I'm really going to fight to do that today.  Maybe if I can turn my thoughts back to the positive, it'll help me get past this crap too. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Good-Bye

It's time to say good-bye. 

Good-bye to Tammy. 

Thank you for being there when I needed a friend last fall.  I forgive you for using me.  I know you needed my help last fall, and I don't regret that.  I felt that you needed the help, and you were there for me.  I don't regret one minute of it. 

Since then, we were there for each other on and off for the last 6 months.  It was getting more and more off.  I told you I didn't want to loose you as a friend, and was hoping we could work it out and stay close. 

But I didn't realize how the drugs would become more important to you than anything else - even more so than your kids. 

I forgive you for turning to drugs instead of asking for help.
I forgive you for abandoning your kids with me, and leaving me stranded two weeks ago.
I forgive you for trying to patch things up between Terry and I, even though it was not the right thing to do.  You were just trying to do what you felt I needed at the time.
I am sorry that I can't be there for you anymore.  It's costing me too much of myself.

I wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do in your life.  I just can't jeopardize mine with your lifestyle.  I'm sorry

Good-Bye Terry.

I really did love you.  I guess I still do.  Love doesn't go away, and I haven't given you the chance to completely kill it.  I guess I never will.

I am sorry that you do not know how to communicate what you want/need.
I am sorry that I do not fit for you.
I forgive you for how you've treated me.  You don't know any better.

It's time for me to move on.  What you are offering me is not something either one of us will be happy with for long.  I need more.  You are stuck. 

I am sorry I am not able to be there for you.
I am sorry I am not able to help you kick this habit.
I am sorry, but I won't watch you do this to yourself.

You told me once you often kick yourself the day after you do drugs.  You are so down on yourself for falling back into that trap.  If you ever want to talk, or just need a friend to be there, let me know.  I'm a good listener.   That's all I can do for you though.  I can't invest anymore of myself.  It's costing me far too much.

Since you're not actually ever going to see this, I'm not worried about you ever taking me up on that offer.  So I need to keep in straight in my head.  If it seems like you are turning to me for friendship, it's only for sex.  You once told me the only time you were happy in this past year was when we were together.  So I gave you a chance to show me that.  To show me my friendship mattered and was important to you.  It's been over a week since I've heard from you.  I sent you a text last Wednesday asking how you were.  You never answered.  I get it.  You were on a binge.  I guess a part of me was hoping when Monday came you'd get a hold of me.  Let me know you were okay.  But it's looking like you are so down on yourself about it all that you are too embarrassed to contact me again. 

I forgive you for that.  You don't know any better.  You just don't understand. 

So to allow myself to heal, I need to say good-bye.  I love you, but there is no room in my life for you.  I'm sorry. 

I have one more good-bye to say.  It's time for me to say good-bye to my protective layer of fat I've added on since moving to Estevan. 

Good-Bye Fat.

You have been protecting me from all of these outside attacks on my heart, but it's time to shed the layer of protection.  I need to trust Lee to not hurt me, and to protect me from more of this hurt.  It's time to trust his judgement on things, especially around Tammy/Terry.  He's trying to protect me.  Now it's time to let him. 

And it's time to shed this layer as well.  I am feeling weak carrying it around. 

I want to feel strong again.  I want to feel in control of something in my life again.  I want to re-gain my body. 

Finally, I forgive me.

I forgive me for how much this all hurts.
I forgive me for loving Tammy so much that I let her take advantage.
I forgive me for loving Terry.
I forgive me for trying to hide all of this
I forgive me for not standing up to Tammy when I felt she was abandoning her kids. 
I forgive me for giving her the benefit of the doubt
I forgive me for being angry with myself for giving her that benefit, especially when I found out I was wrong
I forgive me for being wrong
I forgive me for being so confused and lost with all of this.
I forgive me for dealing with it all the only way I know how.
I forgive me for still wanting to hear from Tammy/Terry.
I forgive me for needing to know I matter to them

I haven't slept well in about a week.  It's mainly due to this heat, but it's getting better, and I'm managing.

Sometime last night, on one of my many wake ups, I realized I haven't heard from Terry in over a week now.  It's almost two weeks for Tammy.  Last time we went this long without hearing from each other, I was the one who had to break the silence.

I don't think I will this time.

Despite the fact that I am making the decision to not contact them, it still hurts.  I'm not really sure why it hurts either.  They were both using me.  I don't need that in my life.

But for some reason, I'd get around Terry and things would be different.  I'd always catch him staring at me.  Everyone said he was not over me.  I could feel it too.  And I guess I was not completely over him either.  There obviously was something there deep down between us.

Lately though it's like he wants to have his own life and do his own thing, and I am supposed to just sit on the sidelines.  Be happy when he throws me a scrap of attention.  I'm not that person.  If I matter to you, you should want me in your life.

I don't understand why I am still kind of hung up on all of this.  I know Lee loves me.  I love him.  He's made room for me in his life.  Heck, he's even welcomed my daughter.  He's taking care of both of us while I'm off work.  His actions match his words.  He makes me feel like the most important person in his world.

So why am I hurt by this Tammy/Terry thing?  I guess in reality, a friendship with Tammy was keeping me tied to Terry.  I even see how their friendship is cyclic.  They fight.  They end up hating each other.  Then eventually they are all buddy buddy again.  It's really kind of sad.  A true friendship is not like that.

Maybe that's what is hurting me so much.  I thought they were friends, but in reality, I guess they were not.

This is one of those times in my life again where I have a choice.  I can either harden my heart.  Lock people out.  In theory, it'll keep me from this kind of hurt again.  But the reality is that it won't help.  Instead, it'll only keep this hurt festering for so much longer.

I can't let this change who I am.  I will open myself up to someone again, and someday find a real friend here in town.  I'm not saying that to suggest Lee is not a friend.  That's not it.  But I need a friend outside of this relationship.  I can't make Lee my entire life.

I just don't know what to do.  But I do know one thing.  I CAN'T contact Tammy or Terry again.  It's so not healthy.

So why do I still look for Terry's truck every time I drive past the theatre right now?  Why do they both keep popping into my thoughts?

**********UPDATE***************
I am blogging today's kick in the butt to get my butt out for my daily run, and something has popped into my mind.  I have an emotional block to loosing weight.  It's likely got something to do with all of this.  I know I have to forgive them, but...

Why do I want to text them both.  Just a regular Happy Wednesday kind of thing.  The kind of text I'd send to my friends in general.  Not so much to get in touch with them again, but more for me.

I don't know why, but I felt that flutter in my chest at the thought of doing that.  A bit of excitement.  But I know it will only hurt later. Hurt if they don't answer.  Hurt in the long run if they do.

What is wrong with me?

*********************************
I went for my run this morning.  I just couldn't get into it.  I'm not sure why.  On the walk home, it just felt like I have too much weight in my head.  Too much going on in there to be able to clear it for a good run. 

I wish I could just clear this out of my head.  I'm doing my best to not text either one of them.  I understand that wanting to text them is not wrong.  And wanting to put this all behind me is not wrong either.  

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Well, today will be a week since I talked to Terry.  Last time we talked, I was worried about him.  There was a storm passing through - risk of tornado.  And the way the clouds were swirling...

Anyhow, it was all okay.  We were just texting back n forth. 

On Wednesday - the next day - I sent a text to see what he was up to.  No answer.  I texted and asked if he was not talking to me.  No answer.  Here we are a week later...

I am pretty sure they both lost my number.  Tammy knows how to reach me without my cell number.  Hell, she did it to get me come out when she left her kids two weeks ago. 

I'm just trying to walk away.  No more of any of this crap from any of them. 

So why does it still hurt so much?

Sunday, July 1, 2012

I am getting so frigging sick of this.  Who the hell does he think he is?  I'm NOT going to pig out on foods I can't eat.  I DON'T CARE!

I need to have fruits and vegetables around.  I don't eat wheat, oats, rye, or barley.  My staple is freggies.  I need lots around.  Period. 

So stop giving me shit for wanting to get freggies tomorrow when I ate all the ones we had here today!  Seriously.


Saturday, June 30, 2012

I am pissed off today.

Pissed off at the scale, but that's all in another blog.

Pissed off at Tammy and Terry.  I am sick of them using me.  Only getting it touch with me when they need or want something. 

I haven't heard from Tammy in over a week now.  Not since I told her I was leaving the farm, and she had to come back and take care of her kids. 

I'm sorry if that pissed her off, but give me a friggin break!  I am not her live in babysitter.  They are her kids.  She should be taking care of them.  I am so glad I never did move into that place.  I was worried about that happening if I lived there.  Guess I was right. 

And Terry.  The crap he's been pulling on me again lately.  I'm sick of him disappearing every weekend like this, then wanting to be buddy-buddy all week long.  Wondering why I keep brushing him off.  Is he honestly that stupid?  He must be.

I've turned the ringer on my phone to silent for whenever they call.  I'm so NOT interested in dealing with their baggage anymore.  I am still looking for the iPhone blacklist function.  I know the jailbroken ones have a Cydia function, but my new iPhone is not jailbroken or unlocked.  So far, there is nothing in the apps store that will do that.

I am sick to death of people who say they are friends using me.  I'm sick to death of not really having anyone I can turn to around here.  Mind you, it was almost the same in Calgary.  I had friends, but no one I'd turn to when things got tough.  I seem to have a problem trusting people with stuff like that. 

I guess right now, I'm just tired.  Tired of it all.  Tired from all the exercise I've been getting.  Tired from not seeing the results on the scale.  Tired of waiting, and hoping, and wishing things were different. 

Thursday, June 28, 2012

My daughter accepted two jobs here today.  One full time days, one PT/casual evenings/weekends.  Both locations know she's working two places, and are willing to work with her.  I'm so proud of her. 

I have a phone interview myself tomorrow.  It's for an oilfield job - chemical delivery.  I am looking forward to talking with them to see what it's all about and if they'll give me a chance.  I sure hope so.

I haven't heard from Tammy yet.  I'm starting to think I won't hear from her at all.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I still have no intention of fixing this.  It's her bad, she'll have to do the fixing.  I doubt it'll ever happen.  Lee's kind of happy about that. I'm not sure how I feel.  I lost someone I thought was a friend.

Terry hasn't texted me since the storm Monday night.  I texted him last night just to chat - no answer.  Still no answer today.  Maybe this is for the best.  I don't need him and his baggage in my life right now.  Or ever for that matter.  We didn't really know each other anyhow. 

Time to stop looking back.  Time to move forward.  Lee is my future.  I love him.  He's so good to me.  He loves me so much.  Thinking about him brings a smile to my face.  I sure am lucky to have him in my life. 

I used that to help me get out and go running earlier today too.  I want to look my best for him.  I'm looking forward to loosing more weight.  I was at 220lbs when we met.  I want to get back there.  Get back into the dress I was able to wear to the first concert we went to.  I want to get even smaller than that.  I want to be at 220lbs by July 25.  Then 210 by Aug 25 maybe.  It's setting the bar high, but if I keep at it, I know I can do it. 

I am starting to think about starting up a carpet cleaning business here.  I have basically everything I need to give it a go.  I think I'll do up some fliers and business cards.  See what kind of response I get.  Maybe it can be a good side business.  Make some extra $$ for holidays.  Right now, it'd be to pay the bills, but I'm hoping to have a job again soon. 

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Forgive? Really?

I've been thinking about this all night. 

... that no matter how good you try to be to others, you will occasionally hurt them. Forgive yourself for it.
The same will happen with them. Forgive them for it.
 
I came across this on facebook yesterday.  I am so angry at Tammy for the crap that went on.  I still haven't talked to her.  My plan was to just not.  If she wants to get a hold of me after that, she'll have to call/text.  I doubt I'll ever hear from her.  
 
Oh.  I think I get it.  I don't have to forget what happened.  But forgiving it will release me from the hurt, and allow me to move on.  
 
I don't know if I'm ready to or not yet.  I think I might be.  To forgive it, and move on with my life.  That doesn't mean I have to go back to that ever again.  It just means I am no longer carrying hate in my heart.  

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Terry texted me last night.  I was kind of insulted.  He asked me to come out to Tammy's and bring him some supper.  It smelled a lot like his crap he tried on me last year.  He was bragging that he could get me to bring him out some supper.  I didn't fall for it then either. 

Needless to say, I didn't go. 

Talk about a surprise when he texted me this morning just to chat.  I guess he was just hoping I'd come out, and bring him something since I was driving right past.

Anyhow, Tammy hasn't been in touch since last week.  The last time I talked to her was when I told her I had to leave.  I refused to stay with her kids anymore, and left the farm. 

I figure if she wants to fix this, she's going to have to get in touch with me.  Period.  She used me.  She walked out and refused to keep up her end of the bargain.  So screw her.  I'm out. 

That's kind of why I thought last night was a set up.  Maybe it was after all.  But no matter what, I don't regret not going.  I don't regret standing my ground and leaving.  And I won't regret standing my ground and refusing to go out there without an apology. 

I am getting back into running, so I hope these mood swings will level off soon.  I'm also pretty sure cutting toxic people out of my life will help too. 

Sunday, June 24, 2012

I am so worn out right now.  I am exhausted.  I am hoping I sleep well tonight.  It's been a long time since I've had a good night's sleep.  I got in a lot of hours last night, but they were broken up. 

Today I ate well.  Very well.  I am hoping I sleep well now, so I can go running tomorrow.  This will be the third week in a row where I started to run, and life got in the way.  I am getting sick n tired of starting over.  So I figure it's time for me to stop quitting.  It's the only way to not have to start over again.

I still don't know what to do about Tammy and the kids.  I think I'm just going to have to walk away from it.  Let her dig herself into a hole so deep that she can not get out. 

My daughter is moved in here now.  I'm happy about that.  It will be nice to get to know her again.  I'm so glad I get this second chance. 

Lee seems a little stressed, but I'm not surprised.  He told me today if the work here dries up, he may have to go on the road to work again.  He is thinking ahead, and planning to take care of my daughter and I until I can do it.  I love him so much.  He's such a great guy.  But I don't want him to do that.  I have to find work ASAP.  My daughter and I should be my responsibility, not his. 

Tomorrow I'll be applying for EI.  I doubt they will accept it, but the worst they can do is say no, so I might as well try.

I haven't heard from Terry since Friday evening.  He does this every weekend.  He's too busy chasing his next fix to be in touch.  I figure it's only a matter of time before he just doesn't bother to contact me again after one of his weekends.  Part of me is saddened by it all, but part of me gets that it's for the best. 

Tomorrow I'll be getting together some fliers and business cards for carpet cleaning.  I figure 3 homes and I'll have paid for the chemicals I just bought while in Calgary.  Then anything I make after that is all profit.  I will need to get a couple of bug-spray containers though to pre-spray the carpets.  I guess I can go and get them tomorrow. 

While I'm at it, I might look into getting into the battery compartment of the stripper and look into getting a new battery for the starter.  Might as well put that machine to work too.

It's time for me to pull out of this funk I'm stuck in.  Find my inner strength again and really make something of myself.  I need to get back to work.  I need to find a way to make it.  I can't keep relying on others around me.  It only leads to everyone, including me, getting hurt. 

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Wow.  What a crazy week.

Tammy did get back to me and offer the truck again.  I told her I might be able to make other arrangements if this wouldn't work for her.  She assured me it was okay.

Then on Tuesday she called me.  She needed to drive Kyle to Winnipeg - he had to get out of her house.  She needed me to sit with the kids on Tuesday night, and she'd be back Wednesday night. 

My first thought was okay, if she does this, and leaves the truck, I can get it detailed, and still go.  Even if she didn't get back in time, I could take the kids.  There is enough room in her truck.

Well, I was beyond pissed when she loaded up the truck and buggered off. 

More pissed off when I tried to fall asleep, but couldn't.  It was because of all the bugs.  I think they were wood ticks.  Crawling all over me.  I couldn't handle it. 

So needless to say I only got 3 hours sleep that day.  I took care of her kids all Wednesday too. 

Wednesday late afternoon, I called her.  She was running around Winnipeg doing "stuff".  Well, I told her I needed to sleep.  I needed her to come home so I could drive the next day, and I couldn't sleep at her place.  She said she would get moving, and to call her in a bit.

The plan was to have supper with Lee in town, then take the kids home and wait for Tammy.  Well, Lee and I had a fight, so I ended up taking the kids home for supper.

After everyone ate, and the boys were in the tub, I called Tammy.  She was on her way back.  She said she'd be there in 5 hours, and I could call the neighbor to sit with the kids.   I told her I could wait the 5 hours, so just please get home.  This was at 9pm. 

I woke up at 4am - again after 4 hours and fighting off bugs all night.  No Tammy.  I called her.  No answer.  I called the neighbor.  No answer.  I was done.  I decided one more chance for Tammy to answer her phone, or I was taking the kids to the police or hospital. 

She picked up her phone and made some lame excuse as to why she was not home.  I told her I was done.  I had to leave in an hour.  She was still 5 hours away.  Told her I couldn't help that.  I was leaving. 

She had her daughter stay home from school for the day to take care of the boys.  I have no idea what happened that day.  Lee came to get me, and I got back to town, loaded, and on the highway to pick up my daughter by 6am.

I was suspecting that she wouldn't come back.  In the back of my mind, even before I went there, I was worried about it.  She did this to someone else last year - she went for a "day" trip to Regina, and ended up in BC for a week.  That time she took her kids, but left her ill father. 

I knew this and I still went.  I would've taken the kids with me, if she'd left me the truck.  But...

I can't call CPS.  I am worried for the kids.  I am so disgusted by what she did, but I can't do that to her.  But I am so afraid for those kids.  I really do love them. 

Wow.  No wonder I feel like I've been through the ringer these past few days.

At this point, I'm assuming she hates me.  She likely feels I abandoned her kids, when the reality is she did that.  She KNEW I was going to get my daughter on Thursday morning.  She KNEW I was leaving.  What is wrong with her?  Oh yeah.  The drugs. 

I will not call her.  I will not text her.  I am assuming we are done done done.  It hurts, but not as much as what happened this week. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Well, today is the day of truth.  I will wait to see if Tammy gets back to me or not.  I am assuming not. 

I just can't keep doing this.  I really need to make some real friends around here.  People who know what friendship really is.  Not people who pretend and put on a front. 

I have already deleted Terry from my iPhone.  I might hear from him a few more times, but I'll be too busy to chat much.  Time to put that whole mess behind me.  Far behind me. 

It's overcast outside today.  I guess that's kind of dragging on my mood.  I'm feeling a little mopey today. 

I will be kicking my butt out the door soon for today's run, but I'm not sure when.  I'm waiting on a phone call from a recruiter for a position I applied for a few days ago.  It's with an oil field company, so I'm looking forward to talking with her. 

I guess I'll have to maybe install the running song on my iPhone and use it as my music player today.  Either that or wear a second headphone that is plugged into my iPhone so I don't miss the call today. 

I think that's the best way to go about this - a second headphone.  The last thing I want to do is miss that call again. 

The trailer hitch I ordered for Max should be here today or tomorrow. 

So that about sums it all up.  The weather is dreary.  I'm feeling a little dreary too.  I've got so much to do today too.  I guess I should get to it.  I have so much work to do in the house here for my daughter coming later this week. 

Maybe that's what I'll do now.  Get up and start moving stuff out of that room.  It's not like I'll have the energy to do it after my run.

Monday, June 18, 2012

I can't sleep tonight. Not sure why. All I know is there's a lot on my mind.

I ran today. It felt great. I felt strong. This evening I went for a walk. I got home and felt better than I have in a long time. I realized how motivated I feel to keep it up. I also realized how much weight I allowed myself to put back on. I sat there tonight wondering how I could let that happen. And how I could feel so trapped that I was unable to loose it again.

I'm not sure what all has changed. Heck, even this morning I was trying to talk myself out of my run. It was a huge undertaking kicking my own butt out the door to exercise. I had to trick myself. By the time I realized what I was doing, I was already 5 minutes into it.

I know my diet has changed. That's obvious. And I guess I have changed too. Something's different now. I feel stronger. Like I can do what I need to do. Like nothing can stop me now.

So why can't I sleep? I'm still not sure.

I haven't heard from Terry today, but that doesn't really bother me. I've decided it doesn't matter. I'm looking for a life partner and he's looking for his next fix. No matter what, it can never work. So I'm walking away. It doesn't really matter anyway. I've got a wonderful man who wants the same things I want.

I am actually looking forward to regaining my hard smaller body for him. I can't call it little, because I'll still be well over 6' tall, and hovering around the 200lb mark, even when I'm back in my size 9 jeans. I can't wait to get there. If I stay on track, I can be there before Halloween.

I'm picking up my daughter in a few days. She's moving down here to live. I'm so excited. I still have some work to do to get the room ready for her.

So why am I up at midnight blogging? I have no idea. I just know there's something on my mind, and I was hoping blogging would help me discover what it was. No such luck though.

Tammy texted earlier today. She offered me use of the truck, but I haven't been able to reach her since this morning. Been trying to arrange to pick up the truck tomorrow night do I can detail it on Wednesday. I guess she's brushing me off too now. I'm really getting tired of this crap from my so called friends.
Tammy texted today.  Said I could use her dad's truck.  I let her know it was okay if it wasn't possible, I'd find another way.  She's okay with it, just worried.  I told her I'll take better care of it than if it were my own.  And I do.  I always treat other peoples things better than my own.  Yes, I am obsessive about taking care of my own things.  But when someone trusts you with something of theirs...

So that's a go.  I'm so glad.

Today I also kicked my butt up out of the chair and went for a run.  I am so glad I did.  My calorie burn is back up there.  I'm moving again.  I was visualizing the awesome body I'm working towards by getting out there and just doing this. 

The endorphins are nice too.  It's been too long since I've felt this good.  I love it. 

I have an interview for a job with the government today at 2:30pm.  It's permanent part time.  As long as there are descent benefits, I'll take it.  I'm excited to go for this interview.  That being said, I'm still applying for other jobs I'm finding.  There are a few oil field jobs that have come up too. 

Wish me luck.  I sure hope I can find one I love soon.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Today I booked a trailer.  I ordered a trailer hitch online, and I'm looking for someone to install it for me on Wednesday night.  It should be here either Tuesday or Wednesday, so I'm hoping I can get it on before I go to Alberta.  If not, no problem.  I'll take it with me to get it installed in Calgary.  The trailer is being picked up on Friday morning at 7am.

I am so excited to pick my daughter up.  We haven't lived together in years.  When I left, she didn't want to come with me.  So I arranged for her to stay until she was done high school.  Well, she graduated.  She has to take a couple of additional classes this summer online, but she's basically done. 

I need to clean out my room.  I have one room here that is full of all my stuff.  That is the room Adrienne is moving into.  So all my stuff has to go.  I have no idea where it's going to go.  I do have access to a U-Haul storage locker for 1 month - it's included with the trailer rental.  So I think I'm going to take advantage. 

I don't really want to put my stuff into storage though, so I have no idea what I'm going to do about this.

Terry's been texting me today.  I figured I wouldn't hear from him again.  Guess I was wrong.  I asked him something today.  I asked him if he was happy.  He told me he was.  That tells me he's happy with the life he's chosen for himself.  He doesn't feel he's missing anything.  He's not interested at all in making changes and settling down. 

I'm not judging his choices.  That's not why I asked.  I asked because he hinted he wanted what we talked about in the past.  He actually asked me to move in with him.  His answer today told me he's not really into that.  He wants to keep his party lifestyle.  It does not work when someone is sitting at home. 

So it's helped me make a decision.  I'll be there for him as a friend if I can.  The biggest problem with that is he does not know what a friend is.  So I also need to keep that in mind. 

I can already see it.  In about 2 months - more likely much sooner - I'll be back here blogging about how I feel hurt, or used, or anything else. 

I have to accept that this is the lifestyle he's chosen for himself.  This is the lifestyle he wants.  Until he doesn't want it anymore, there's nothing that can be done to help him.  Period. 
What a crazy, eventful month so far.  I think things are settling down a bit now.  I am no longer having regularly occurring panic attacks.  I still have some anxiety, but no where near as bad as they were for the first two weeks.

My daughter wants me to come pick her up as early as this Thursday.  I am trying to arrange a truck to take to go and get her, but it's like bashing my head into a brick wall.

Tammy offered.  I even checked with her again a few days later to make sure it was all good.  Then when I let her know I was thinking I'd go this week to see if it works, she never answered me.

Wow.  Why not just be honest and tell me no.  I mean really.  This is really putting a strain on our friendship.  If she can't be honest with me, then forget it.  I know she's got a lot of users in her life.  Then she goes on and on about how everyone's using her.  I'm assuming that's what's happening right now, and I'm being painted with that same brush.  I've already told her.  I don't expect anything out of her.  I don't want any thing from her.  I am just there for her.

So why would she even offer if it's such a big deal?  I mean really.  She didn't have to say anything.  I wasn't asking to borrow her truck.  I was telling her I needed to get one.  That's all.  So I guess I still need to get one.  Or get a trailer and a trailer hitch...

*************UPDATE**************************
Just finished buying a trailer hitch for my vehicle online.  It should be here in 2-3days.  Here's hoping.  Then I have to get a trailer...

Friday, June 15, 2012

It was a rough day yesterday. 

I went into Regina for a break.  I also picked up lots of stuff I can't find out here.  I got some Quinoa, Coconut milk (even some in chocolate), ground bison, lamb, and a live lobster.  I needed to find some to add variety to my diet, and this will definitely help.  At least for a few days.

I was so excited to bring the lobster back and cook it last night.

Lee was in a bad mood right from the get go.  So needless to say, I didn't cook the lobster.  It's still in the fridge.  I'll cook it tonight.

He was off the deep end angry.  He never said if it was because I went into Regina without him, so I won't put those words in his mouth.  I know it was around the time I'm spending with Tammy.

When we went to get groceries, I told him what's going on with Tammy, and why I'm spending so much time out there.  He was still mad, and even crowding me, so once he was settled into bed with the massage pillow, I told him I was going out to get Subway salad for supper.  I picked one up and went to see Tammy. 

I was mad, Lee was mad.  I needed to get away.

When I got back, we finally talked.  He admitted he is struggling with jealousy.  He knows he's got no reason to be jealous, but he is.  I told him I understand that, and I'll try to do what I can to alleviate it. The reality is though I'm feeling smothered right now.  I need my space.  I hate that I feel I have to take it.

I told Lee my "fight or flight" has been triggered, and I won't fight with him.  So I run.  I know it's a defense mechanism.  I'm finally starting to see why it's been triggered again.

I'm scared.  I am relying on Lee to take care of me, and I'm not sure I can handle that.  Maybe I should apply for EI.  I do have a job interview on Monday, but in the meantime, it can't hurt to have a backup with some kind of $$ coming in right?  I do have a tax return coming - over $5,000.  Plus if I'm not mistaken, I probably have some back CTC owing to me.  That is if the government actually gives it to me.  I'm not holding my breath waiting.

My daughter wants to move in with me soon too.  That has me scared too.  That means we will both be relying on Lee for some help until we both get on our feet.  I'm also scared I'll blow this with her.  I never thought I'd get another chance to get to know her again.  This is huge.  And I hate to admit it, but I'm afraid I'll blow it. 

So I blog.  I write out all my fears, and worries.  Put them down on "paper".  Try to make more sense of them while I work through them all. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Last night, Lee and I had a fight.  Rather, he got mad at me, and I left.  I'm such a mess I won't fight with him.  It will only lead to things said that can't be taken back. 

So I went out.  Tammy invited me over - the whole reason Lee was upset with me to begin with.  Tammy's been avoiding me lately.  Last night I found out why.  She's still smoking *#@(%.  It upset me to see her in this state, so I went over to see Terry.  He asked me to stop by.  In about a half hour we were on our way to Tammys. 

He was trying to talk her into stopping. 

As much as it hurt last night, I'm glad I went.  When we were talking on the way to Tammy's I told Terry why I didn't stick around.  He didn't need to be around that crap.  I was worried for him.

After we were there for just over an hour, Terry lit up too.  I almost cried. 

We left a few hours later.  I sat with Terry and watched part of a movie.  He had to go to bed for work, so I got up and left.  I think he was hoping I'd stay, but there's no way.

As much as it hurt me to see what I saw last night, I think I needed to.  No matter how much I care for these people, it doesn't change anything.  Instead it breaks my heart. I hate to see these kids having to live like this.  But it's not my baggage.  I need to walk away from all of it before it becomes my baggage.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I feel so lost today.  I have a pretty good idea what it all is.  I need to say good bye to some people who are toxic in my life.  My head knows it.  My heart also kind of knows it.  But that doesn't make it any easier.

There was a time when I believed they were friends.  When I believed they would be there when I needed someone.

They have proven they are not that.  Drugs has too strong a hold on them.

It really hurts me to know such good people are lost to drugs like this.  That there is nothing I can do.  I tried before.  It didn't go well.  In their warped sense of thinking, I was responsible for some of the bad things going on in their lives.  Let me tell you, you do not want to be the scape goat in this senario.  It's downright dangerous.

It broke my heart when I had to walk away before.  I am not as involved this time, but I can already feel it hurting.

The strange thing is, I know most of this emotional turmoil is due to other things - namely this cleansing diet I'm on.  I've lost 10lbs already, and am still loosing way too fast.  Part of my weight loss journey is dealing with the emotional issues that helped pack those pounds on.  It's almost like the fat has an emotional memory.  When it's accessed again, and burned off, the emotions come out of it.

I know this all sounds kind of crazy, but if you've ever undergone significant weight loss, you might have an idea what I'm talking about.  It's a very emotional process.  You have to come to terms with the issues that packed that weight on.  For some reason, it all seems so much more overwhelming as it's coming off.  I really have no idea why.

In general, I feel better.  I feel stronger.  I have more coping skills.  All due to the fitness that is happening when I'm loosing the weight.

Maybe that's it.  I believe you are only dealt what you can handle.  Maybe my stronger coping skills are allowing these issues to surface again.  I am strong enough to deal with this baggage that had to be buried earlier on.

I hate this feeling.  I feel so foggy.  So lost.  So hurt.

Despite all of this, I know I can get though it.  I will do all I can to fight it off.  I'll do my best to not text or contact Terry or Tammy today.

Even as I write this I feel so selfish, especially when it comes to Tammy.  She's having a tough time right now.  I wish I could be there for her, but it feels like she's pushing me away.

I couldn't do it.  I sent her a message.  Let her know I'm here if she wants to talk.  Even just to come out and visit.  I hate to see her going through this crap.  And realistically, I need some support too.  I feel so vulnerable right now.

I miss having my friend to talk to.  To rely on.  To bounce things off of.

As for Terry, I don't need that in my life at all.

I still don't know what happened with him last year.  I have no idea how I let my guard down and let him in so fast. Or how I fell so hard for him so fast.  I guess I was just much more lonely than I wanted to believe.  I didn't even feel safe.  But when I was with him, I believed he wouldn't let anything happen to me.  I felt safe.  I was able to sleep again.  Add the fact that he seemed to need me too, and wow. 

But why is it still there now?  After the way he treated me?  I've moved on.  Or at least I thought I have.  I love Lee.  He's the best man I've met in a very very long time.  Every day he makes me feel like I'm the only one.  He spoils me rotten.  I couldn't ask for more. 

So what's going on with me?