Personal stuff I've finally figured out today.

This hurts to write. Heck, it even hurts to think about it. But I think it's time.

This morning while I was wondering for the upteenth time why Colin was doing these things, it came to me. I have known for a while he believes the world revolves around him, but I don't know why this never hit me before.

I don't register for him. Not as a friend. Not even as an independant human being. Not one bit. The part that hurts most is the not as a friend part. Here I've considered him a friend for quite a while now. But I'm not even that to him.

Wow. That hurts. More than I can even say here. I'm sitting here at my desk at work, ready to cry it hurts so much. I guess I really did care about him more than I realized. But this really REALLY aches. Deep down pain.

How can someone pretend to be my friend like that? How can they pretend to give a d*mn like that and not really care? I mean, if he cared even one little bit, he wouldn't be able to treat me like this right? He'd have at least a little compassion for the pain I'm in out here. Being away from my kids, friends, my life.

It doesn't take much to be my friend. Just care. I guess I'm not even worth that.