Sunday, May 22, 2011

My heart is still so heavy.  I just don't know what to do about this. 

Sitting here waiting is not right. 

I was online looking for work back in Calgary tonight.  I think it's time for me to make a change.  When I was out walking tonight, I realized I just don't want to be here anymore.  I am so angry.  I just can't shake it. There's no future for me here.  Not the way things are going right now anyway.

Why not?  I have a job.  It pays well.  I can find a way to make it work.  I just need to find somewhere else to live.  Here is not good for me.

Colin will be coming home tomorrow sometime.  I don't want to be here.  He can't even be bothered to take the time to tell me how his day is going.  I have a pretty good idea why.  I guess he figures I'm just some dumb idiot who will go along with his crap.  WRONG!  I deserve so much better than this. 

So why do I stay?  Because I have no where else to go right now. 

Why can't I just make this work?  Why can't I find a life of my own and just focus on work? 

Maybe I should distract myself for a while tonight.  I could go through my clothes.  See what fits, and what doesn't.  Repack my van. 

I just really don't want to. 

Let's see.  What other tools do I have that I can use.  Distraction.  Turning the mind. 

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