Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I am trying to not slip back into the funk that is trying to grab me.  I am trying to not convince myself that things would be better if I just patched stuff up with Colin.  I'm trying to hold the belief I deserve better...

A thought just keeps jumping into my mind.  It has saved me a few times this week.  Actually, this month. 

In April, we drove to Calgary for a dance competition.  Needless to say, he tried but couldn't keep himself from finding fault with everything again.  I had enough by Sunday morning, and got frustrated with him.  Said one wrong thing.  That was it.  He was off again.

As if it wasn't bad enough.  Here I was having to pack up and leave my kids and dog behind once again.  I couldn't stop crying.  I begged him on the trip to please talk to me.  Say something.  My heart was breaking.  I needed help to be able to leave my kids again. 

Nothing.  That cold hearted a$$ just sat there.  Finally pretended to be asleep.  Refused to help drive, get fuel.  Heck, when we'd stop I would ask if he needed anything.  Coffee, snack.  Anything.  He refused to answer me.  Not even one word.  It took all I had to keep that van pointed back to Saskatchewan.  I was so tempted to go back to Calgary and tell him to screw himself.  Find his own way home.  Be done once and for all.

But I was the bigger person.  I drove us back to Estevan.  He went off for a whole week before he came around.  When he did, I told him things were different.  He figured I'd just get over it all.  WRONG.  There was nothing for me to get over.

I now knew who he was.  He wasn't the good man I honestly believed was buried deep in there.  He really is a hateful, spiteful person who honestly is getting what he deserves. He is a walking example of Karma. 

So why do I keep feeling it's my fault?  That he is a good man?  That maybe if I did things differently, things would be better? 

What is honestly wrong with me?  Seriously.  I need some answers.  Any answers.  Suggestions even.  I can't solve this one on my own.  I'm lost.

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